Friday, April 18, 2014

Dawn of the, like, Dead (at the Mall)

 I finally got around to completing a much dreaded task..... going to "The Mall" to exchange a Christmas present ( it's April!) ( it was a sweater dress!) from a well-intentioned relative. I love fashion but I hate to leave my house to shop. I'm more of a click 'n ship kinda gal.
    So, on a random weekday morning, I entered the mall... yellow, plastic bag in hand. Within minutes, I stopped dead in my tracks......did the apocalypse go down and I didn't get the memo? I looked around me and realized the main occupiers of the almost 100,000 square feet of indoor, climate controlled, retail space were mannequins and senior citizens getting their walk on. I could only spot a handful of other shoppers and a skeleton crew of store employees.....either way, we were way out numbered.
    While standing there pondering a potential blog idea, a small army of elders nearly mowed me down! Man, they were power walking with a purpose and with a major 'tude...... "Move out of the way, honey!" "Watch where your standing!" What? Why? Is the Grim Reaper cape hunting at +Macy's?

     Gosh, I just wanted to get to the other side of the mall and exchange the sweater dress. But with these chronologically-challenged mall rats circling the area like zombies on Adderall, I knew it wouldn't be easy. All of a sudden, a chill ran up my spine...a creepy feeling that someone was right behind me .... I spun around to find 6 mannequins staring at me! Oh, the horror! Had they just witnessed me being scolded by Gramps and were now snickering with each other about it? I know, I know...  they don't have eyes or mouths or any facial features (or anything else that makes them human ). But there they were.... while striking a fierce pose...making fun of me.....a clique of plastic, mean girls...... Meaniequins.
     I was so embarrassed. I had to get away from them. I tried the power walking thing....drafting behind a couple of grays for awhile.....but I couldn't keep up with them. I soon realized that I couldn't escape all of the storefronts and all of their mannequins, too. It was obvious from their faceless faces and earless heads that they had heard the gossip and that all of the Plastics thought that I was a loser.
    They were right. I don't fit in at the mall. Even the manager at +Forever 21  reprimanded me because I didn't know the return policy. I could never survive shopping here. I'm safer behind a keyboard.
     After I left +Forever 21 , I stood there..... yellow, plastic bag in hand...... pondering a possible screenplay idea of a zombie/mean girls/mannequin mash up...until I was jarred back to reality by a chorus of surly seniors telling me to move along.

 Zombie mannequins casting call.....

   Dawn of the Dead (original, of course), George Romero (fellow CMU grad!) 1978
  Mean Girls, 2004 #10thAnniversary

Happy anniversary!

+Bravo +Andy Cohen +The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon +Tina Fey +Mean Girls 2004 Full Movie HD