Friday, January 17, 2014

freeze...... tag at Mario's

     For the last couple of weeks I have been dragging around a big ol' bag of guilt. So heavy, in fact, that I must use this open forum to get it off my back, so to speak, and apologize to a lady I don't know.

    Let me rewind in time a bit in order to bring some clarity to my shameful non-reaction.

    I was at Mario's Saloon, Shadyside about 2 weeks ago when I spied, out of the corner of my eye, glaring like a beacon,... on a woman's back....... a price tag. Olly olly oxen free!   It was just dangling there by its tiny, emaciated arm of 3 inch micro-plastic.... hanging on for dear life to the back collar of her trapeze dress with a tell-tell neon orange sticker, silently screaming out to me, "please, tuck me away!" or "clearance rack."

   but I froze...I don't know why...but I did.

   I frantically looked around the crowded bar trying to find an ally who might have also noticed. How can they all be oblivious to the tag? I thought to myself, "C'mon, moonheads! Everybody look to your left! Everybody look to your right! Please don't go dance and forget about the price tag!"

   Honestly, I pondered giving her the tap to let her know that the Forever 21 tag (which she clearly wasn't) was brazenly outing her not-so-flattering dress size(as well as her penchant for finding a good deal). I also mentally devised a special ops plan to go stealth & slip it back beneath the black, polyester blend. I had the chance to play hero...... to rescue her from being crushed by the weight of her embarrassment and from(wrongly) concluding that the reason the cute guy in the brown suede-like jacket was ignoring her was because he spotted her 'markdown of the beast'.

   What possessed me to stay frozen in the moment, I'll never know.

   Hey. Maybe I would have done something.......but, without any warning, she & her 2 faux friends( I truly believe they saw their friend's 'slip' up...That's right, they had their shades on and their heels so high...and don't care if their friend had a good time) started on the move..... no!!!!..... wait!!.....where are they going?...Please don't parade that mini-store banner around the bar!!

    An immediate wave of relief hit me as I saw them proceed to the ladies situational anxiety was over. Surely her BFFs or the BR mirror would call it out or cut it off.....yes, I'll drink to that!!

    Finally, my mind could just slow down & enjoy right now........but then

stunt tag

    I froze again.....I watched in horror as the wee, rectangular,
 paper-wrecking ball swung right by me.....continuing on its destructive path to the other side of  Mario's........ruining both said lady's night and mine.

    I'm truly sorry and,

      Girls, I do solemnly swear that when I spot the next public & indecent exposure of a store stub (or stick-on size label), I will confront it and defuse your potential mortification regardless of my angst.

    I'll un-tag you, if you un-tag me.

*jesse j lyrics in play here
  Giphy GIF

+Andy Cohen +Bravo +Pittsburgh City Paper